Fantasy news

Since the dawn of time we have come together like this to talk football and fantasy and football fantasy. Untie your shoelaces and crack a beer for this week's summary of offences….no sorry that's the Tanner newsletter…..this week's summary of fantasy football.

Check out this sweet ladder:

Top 5

1. Slumdogs
2. Big Chilli's Boys
3. Humphrey Dumpty
4. Broad Wood Cumming
5. Blues Cruise

The match-ups

Slumdogs (1854) DEF Blues Cruise (1494)

Slumdog took alllllll of the Brownlow votes. It was a whitewash!….Can you still say whitewash or is that now cancelled? I think you can say whitewash, but it depends on what is being washed, but can't be too careful and this column is clean fun…..I dunno, I digress. This was an absolute whipping! Slumdogs landed an absolute belter of a weekend and said "Cruise this…..dickhead!". Slumdogs actually said that they prefer a river cruise…..that sweet sweet burn. Blues Cruise is no doubt priming himself for the baby-naming game which is imminent, but which week will it be? So much mystery and intrigue I feel a little lightheaded.

In a sentence: This Cruise is more like the titanic submarine.

Broad Wood Cumming (1713) DEF Green Street Elite (1545)

Did this swan give the GSE their swansong? BWC is 4th on the ladder, giving GSE their second straight defeat and announcing themselves as one of the "10 teams to watch in 2025". 530 points from the forward line, 2 x 100's in their ruck and they just got shit done. Bont still out for BWC just quietly. And GSE? 0-2. Third highest points FOR + most points AGAINST = destination fucked. Lady Luck hasn't visited green street in a long time, so just gonna have to get it done without that bitch.

In a sentence: GSE got the BDE.

Brand New Day (1494) DEF Get To the Hopper (1414)

Brand New Day had the Brand New Experience of winning and did so with a score under 1500. You wouldn't know it though, this coach has been lighting up chatrooms talking up his premiership chances and has even travelled overseas. He then traded his golden goose….he may not be girt by sea anymore but he's also not girt by fantasy points. Get to the Hopper? More like Get To the Dick Shirt - good grief. New FFL season…Same Old Day.

In a sentence: I'm very disappointed in both of you.

Big Chilli’s Boys (1659) DEF Bont's Battalion (1528)

BB had a 145 in their forward line, a 179, a 148 and a 146 in their midfield and still lost by 130 points! An 18 in their backline and a 0 in their forward line could have been solved by free agency, so I think BB is playing the long game. Hit deep by the bye and injuries, I predict BB bounces back from this like a Berocca with that B-B- Bounce. Our international starlet BCB just got it done, no doubt assisted by 619 points from their midfield which is an absolute pig farm - it sickens me. You think cause you're out of sight you're out of mind BCB? Well guess what…that isn't what will happen, cause you are in mind. BCB sitting like a grasshopper in 2nd place getting hungry for some dogs.

In a sentence: Selecting a full team is a very important thing.

Humphrey Dumpty (1710) DEF Gerry Bertier (1535)

This egg just won a cherry using merit. The Humph is sitting on the wall in 3rd place and body slammed the Gerry Bertiers, which was made worse by the Gerry Bertiers shit talking from like the start of last week and setting up gags that would be used in this column. The Gerry Bertiers were spit-roasted by 160's from Daicos and Merrett and then the son of the father scored 108, whilst the holy spirit of Rachele went 107. You know what it is….it's good football and great fantasy football. Hat-tip to you egg!

In a sentence: In the nursery rhyme of Humphrey Dumpty, at no point is Humphrey Dumpty ever identified as an egg.

Until next week,

The Commissioner.

Whilst Joff was organising the next leg of the draft order, Round 1 of FFL 2025 got underway with a brand new fixture and a brand new commissioner. Rhys’ Pieces is half summary, half analysis and half fun.

First things first, the ladder. If you don’t see your name then do better.

Top 5

1. Big Chilli’s Boys
2. Slumdogs
3. Blues Cruise
4. Humphrey Dumpty
5. Gerry Bertier

The match-ups

Humphrey Dumpty (1704) DEF Brand New Day (1595)

The Egg of strength welcomed the reigning champion to 2025 with a slap that made Will Smith blush. Humphrey Dumpty sat on the wall and had a great windfall of points. In the top 5 to stay – let’s see. Brand New Day had the top 2 scorers but was driving the bus of shame that was full of passengers. Question without notice: How is a forward line so stinky after a skunk is removed?

In a sentence: No cherry on top.

Slumdogs (1725) DEF Bont’s Battalion (1648)

Despite a max score from Gawn and a jacked score from a dog that’s gone to heaven, Bont’s Battalion felt the strain like a baby cow. Injuries like Ridley (27) and Scrimshaw (12) won’t happen every week and Neale scoring 38 is as rare as a Carlton gameplan. The Slumdogs spread their wings like a peacock, and whilst things seem sweet he may need to marshall some extra support from his bench.

In a sentence: Some serious points sitting in these teams.

Big Chilli’s Boys (1781) DEF Green Street Elite (1773)

Finally a team worthy of the chilli name. To quote the great Dominic Toretto, “It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile, winning is winning”, and I think the coach of BCB doesn’t mind a bit of drag. Showing his care for the environment, BCB is taking care of his protected species, the Kanga-Jy. GSE didn’t trust Freijah which cost them 5 points – is it grand final trauma or is it a warning shot being fired, with three 100’s in the forward line and a bench that holds a gulden goose and a brigg brigg ruckman.

In a sentence: Mooooooorrrreeeeeee Chilliiiiii!

Blues Cruise (1708) DEF Get To the Hopper (1665)

Is this Black Hawk Down or will it be okay with SDK? GTTH couldn’t ask for more from their forward line, except that maybe Ned would have gone a long way. You should audition for Jackass with the stunt “My name is Get to The Hopper and this is called ‘Jack Ross scores 147 on the pine’…. Ouchie! After briefly being in charge of Luke Sayers’ twitter account, Blues Cruise defied their name and got the job done with a midfield contribution of 633 points that said “fuck you” with a reach-around of two hundreds on the pine. BC is appropriately named as their glory days were a long time ago, but a win is a win.

In a sentence: These benches are loaded.

Gerry Bertier (1601) DEF Broad Wood Cumming (1551)

Broad Wood Cumming as some absolute missiles on their bench that include Bontempelli and Bolton, and this coach is so confident they fielded Tucker over Hardwick which single-handedly lost them the match. BWC may have had some contact with Bill Cosby because they are a sleeper. Gerry Bertier does what Gerry Bertier does – Left Side! Strong Side!

In a sentence: BWC has some BDE.

Until next week,

The Commissioner.